xmas poem

this poem is about xmas
this poem is a bit like the play 'the second woman' in the movie 'opening night'
xmas day looks like it might rain
"it is always the case", she masculinely sighed sarcastically
kind of regret not letting off those fart bombs in the mall yesterday

xmas day is cuddling a hot water bottle between its legs
xmas day isn't wearing pants
xmas day is a bit like when christina aguilera started referring to herself as xtina
xmas day gonna get dirrty

have you ever been at that point in your life where you have no fingernails ever?
i am at that point
it's okay
i know the secret to eternal knowledge and happiness so i'm gonna be alright

xmas list

socks

A LIFETIME SUPPLY OF HUMMUS/CHEESE/LETTUCE SANDWICHES

update re: trying to get in2 xmas

downloaded a xmas mix and listened to it but that seemed to make things worse

dream

i had a dream that i was real stoked on xmas but then i woke up and i wasn't stoked on xmas at all

THEME: christmas

i voted

i voted 4 the first time

i voted 4 mmp

i voted 4 stv

i voted 4 mana

i voted 4 stuart nash

google image search john key hot dog

via james

'Politics' should not be a synonym for 'government'

On my way to vote I walked past a bakery
and saw through the window a pain au chocolat.
I thought, 'maybe I will buy that on my way back'

I stood in the polling booth and ticked three boxes.
There was one section of the form I didn't fill in
as if it were a test that I hadn't sufficiently studied for

I felt guilty for voting so ignorantly
(I was much more well informed during the last election),
but I also would  have felt guilty if I hadn't voted at all

I would feel guilty about being apathetic.
Is it a paradox to feel guilty about being apathetic?
I have always believed that an apathetic person is a pathetic person

On the way home I walked past the bakery,
only 15 minutes had passed but the store was now closed.
I feel most guilty that I cared more about losing the pastry than the election

Dumbocracy

2011 election

that worm dominated that debate

WORM PARTY

people don't really like

Phil Goff

why don't people realise that a country is only as good

as how it treats the 

people worse off

sitting down in a dress w/ no tights

not giving a fuck

AMC for prime minister

;;;) 

 John Key is weird

things that are important:

the income gap

race relations

the environment

education

things that are not important:

subsidising big companies that pollute the environment

selling all our shit

talking about domestic violence and child poverty and then forcing people to spend most of their income on GST

doing other stupid stuff

VOTE

i live really close to Nicky Wagner's office

the Greens are gonna do real well

MMP

people are gonna get real confused about the referendum on the voting system

THEME: election

I am a cake

I am cake batter. I am cake batter all sticky and eggy and spicy (I am ginger cake). I am liquid sort of thick though, and cold and it isn’t very pleasant to be me right now I tell you. There are fingers dipping in me, my body wants to fight back but it can’t. When the fingers pull out it hurts and my body sticks to them and the fingers put me in mouths. It’s okay though, I’m used to it. I’m cake batter. When I get poured out of my bowl it’s okay too. I don’t really like the bowl; I like the tin. The tin is my favourite place. The tin goes in the oven and it is warm and I feel happy and I swell with assurance and pride and probably hot air, though without conceit. The oven is nice, the tin is nice, it is nice to be cake batter in these places. I am happy in these places. I am happy.  

BEd, Bachelor of Education

Bed is my favourite place
like a brewery is an alcoholic's.
The source of my pleasure
is the source of my pain.

It is 3:14am.
Eye drylids are my
and I am cobbling words from emails I sent earlier.

There is such a thing as too much of a good thing,
absence does make the heart grow fonder,
and clichés are clichéd for a reason.

I spend whole days here.
Where do you think I'm writing this from?
My default position is propped up against pillows
which are propped up against headboard,
but the satisfaction of any given day can be measured
by the amount of time I manage to escape this room.

Every day starts and ends here
and sometimes the addiction proves so strong
that the period in between is spent here also.

The bed is a tomb.
The bed is an escape.
The bed is where I have read the most stories.
The bed is queen sized.
The bed is warm.
The bed is safe.
The bed is a thing
                           that I am glad I can take comfort in.
                           that separates me from the abyss.
                           that can be relied on to hug me.
                           that I trust.
                           that I love

pt. 1

my favourite place is 'home'

home used to be wherever you were

now it's just wherever all of my stuff is

drake's embrace

was just wondering whether i still get to contribute to antipobros when i am overseas
b/c australia is, on reflection, one of my fave places
& so is the innernette, in a way...

1986

My favourite place is 1986
is that a place?
or a time?
in my mind it's definitely a place
I was 15 and I used to do things to my hair
like number 2 at the back and sides with a really long fringe
or a half-hawk
I cut my own hair once and had to go to the haircut place to get it fixed
the barber
the hairdresser
I told her "no I did not cut my hair myself"
and she pressed her breasts against my shoulder as she fixed me up
I also went to America with my friend and his family oh no that was 1987
I was 16 then
In 1986 I went to Hong Kong with my mum and my sister
My dad died when I was 8
My brother was living in England for a bit
In Hong Kong I bought a denim jacket at Stanley Markets
it had cartoon print on the inside and I never wore it once I got back home
It looked terrible
I can't really pull off a denim jacket
What do you wear it with?
You can't wear it with jeans
too much denim
But you can't wear it with other kind of pants because it looks weird?
We also had this tour guide who was 23 and I had a crush on her
We talked
but I was only 15 and she couldn't pronounce revolving restaurant
She would say revolting restaurant and everyone on the tour laughed and one fat asshole kind of guy kept trying to get her to say it properly and she just kept saying revolting and he was all no it's RE-VOL-V-ING
and I halfway think she said it that way on purpose because she was funny
I threw up in Macau
and I'm not the kind of guy who throws up a lot
I hate it actually
I went from 1988 to 2009 without vomiting
That's 21 years guys
Just to give you an idea but it really flowed out of me in Macau
I was sick from the ferry ride and the smell
but also I saw Top Gun in 1986 with my mum
My mum is really sweet and it made me want to be a fighter pilot
I actually applied to the Australian Defence Force Academy when I was in year 12
It's a long story but I went in for a whole day of testing and this one guy told me about the coordination test how you have to use a joystick and follow a dot with a circle and in my mind I thought it would be like a plane
Pull back/go up
Push forward/go down
but when I got in there it was the opposite and I messed it up and failed the coordination test which is not good for a pilot
They told me to play video games and come back in a year.
I went and got a marketing degree instead
Luckily
God, imagine me in the miltary
Anyway
I forgot what my point was

deleted that last post because it was bullshit

write about one of your favourite places

Every time I go travelling I come home in an ambulance

Every time I try to write a post about travel it ends up shitty

Sorry guys

milkshake

78

did a lil poetry reading for my friends last night

selected descriptions of melbourne's tram system

trams are a quintessential part of melbourne lief so i thought i would write about some of trams i take/have taken a lot in my time living here. you will see from the map below that if i have written about them together it is because they travel the same route for most of the time.

55 (west coburg)
this is the tram you take to get to fraser, zoe and my sister laura's places. the tram is kinda annoying because you have to catch it from william street in the city, which is just that little bit far away from the main streets where all the other trams leave from. the folk on the tram are usually pretty quiet, probably they are all quietly bummed about being on a crap tram line. this is probably one of the most nondescript trams in the city.

70 (wattle park) & 75 (vermont south)
these trams were the ones i took when i lived in hawthorn, which is an inner eastern suburb of melbourne. the 75 was particularly useful because it takes you to 24 hr kmart. me and jacki used to go to kmart after dark sometimes to amuse ourselves. this tram would also take us to erin's friend alannah's house. one time i was on either of these trams and i saw a cute boy and i wrote really large on a piece of paper 'you are a beautiful person, yes you' which is either sweet or insane. at least it is a leap of faith as i had no idea about him at all and frankly only have the memory of doing something weird, don't have a clue about him at all any more

96 (east brunswick)
this tram i used to get when i was doing radio at triple r. the trams are usually the newer style, including this one that is decorated like a bumblebee. for some reason the tram is always really loud, which made it inconvenient as heck trying to talk with my classmates going to and from the radio station.

112 (west preston) 
departs from collins street, commonly taken to get from the city to brunswick street. it is slightly confusing that there is brunswick street in fitzroy and the suburb brunswick and that they are both hip. for people new to melbourne this is probably confusing. stacey and i sat listening to jens lekman and arcade fire from my phone, waiting for the 112 on brunswick street last time she visited. super hip. one time i was out in fitzroy and i was so drunk i lit a cig and it burnt a lil bit of my hair and singed my eyelashes and eyebrow. somehow i made it onto the 112 back to the cit then onto the 70/75 to get back to hawthorn... i'm sure i was delightful tram company

86 (bundoora rmit) 
departs from bourke street, travels along gertrude street, then turns into smith street. both gertrude and smith streets are best on foot. gertrude street has a bunch of nice cafes, pubs and bars. on the cnr of smith and gertie there are a bunch of gay bars. smith street again has more nice bars and cafes. this neighbourhood collingwood. it is a lil bit more 'rough' than fitzroy, so sometimes there are weird people on the tram. if you stay on the tram past the end of smith street you will cross alexandra parade, go up a hill and be on high street in northcote. about two years ago when i didn't live on this side of town, i would write in my notebook on the way out to northcote, write things about finding my husband there. bearded youngfellows are among the sights one will see in northcote. high street also has a lot of really lovely bars and places to go, like the thornbury theatre. i don't know what about the suburb got me in the mood for marriage..........

19 (north coburg) 
this is the tram you take to get to brunswick savers and it goes along sydney road. sydney road has a lot of wedding dress shops and also a lot of turkish or lebanese restaurants on it. the people on the tram are usually a mix of old people and young hip thangs going home or going to savers. but not too many because most of them ride their bikes hehe

1 (east coburg) + 8 (moreland)
these trams travel along swanston street, which is the 'main street' in the city. usually i took them through carlton along lygon street to go to lindy's place. on her first visit to melbourne young teagues, after at least five champagnes, disappeared from this tram rather suddenly, requiring a brief hiatus on lygon street...! as i went to and from lindy's place rather frequently i found myself writing in my notebook a lot while taking these trams. one time i saw somebody else writing in their notebook and i wrote in my notebook that i wished we could write to each other through our notebooks.

109 (box hill)
 this tram runs along collins street in the city and goes out to north richmond which is where ikea is. the tram is unfailingly one of the most new designs of tram that we have, and i like to think this is because collins street is real fancy. a memorable time i took this tram was when i was on acid. my friend fraser lived in north richmond at the time and we were trying to go to camberwell via this cheeky way i knew, which involved waay too many tram changes for the state that we were in. we made it onto the tram, having escaped the 'rising panic' at fraser's flat, which we had started talking about with a sense of irony, but it actually started to be a thing when we were on the tram, and we were so terrified that we were being loud or that everybody could tell we were on acid that we got off the tram and walked for about three hours to get to where we were going.

16 (melbourne university via st kilda) 
so there are a lot of trams that go to melbourne uni. this is because the university is at the top end of swanston street. the 16 tram line is very long indeed. it starts in kew, goes all the way down glenferrie road, through hawthorn, malvern, through balaclava and then along acland street in st kilda, then back along st kilda road past the national gallery of victoria (ngv) and victorian college of the arts (vca). one specific memory i have of this tram is when i was going down glenferrie rd, sitting on it holding hands with somebody and i could see our reflections in the glass. i was surprised seeing myself doing that.

How To Be Stacey Teague

Jackson Nieuwland: Do you like the name Stacey? Do you like the name Teague? Do you mind when people call you Teagues? What are some nicknames you've had? Do you like any of them? Do you know anything about Cheryl Tiegs? Do you have any favourite names?


Stacey Teague: I feel pretty indifferent towards my name. Like if my name were a
thing I would pick it up limply in my hand and then let it fall to the ground and just leave it there. It's just my name. Seems like it doesn't matter, but only in the way that nothing really matters. According to some films, the only people with the name "Stacey" are annoying American teens. I've only known two other people with the same name as me and I didn't like either of them. Once, "Staci" (probably did a love heart above the "i") told on me in P.E. class for talking to my friend and not participating in the softball game or whatever. Jesus. Sometimes at assembly in school I used to think they were saying my name when they said "stay seated". I remember I had this plaque thing that said my name meant "resurrection". That means nothing to me. Teague is okay. I have no real strong feelings towards either of my names. I like it when people call me Teagues. It seems nice. It seems affectionate. My family calls me Stace mostly. Possibly feels more "casual" or "intimate" to call me Stace but I really don't mind either way. My sister sometimes calls me Steaky. I think she thinks it's cute. I don't mind. I like the name Adelaide. I can imagine me having a lil girl called Adelaide and I would call her "Addie" maybe. Seems weird to think about having children. Which is why I don't mostly. I like the name Tilly. I also like the name Neve. I can't think of any boy's names that I like but there are probably some idk. I don't know who Cheryl Tiegs is but I just read her wikipedia entry. I still don't really know who she is because I x'd out of that tab by accident and now I don't want to type in the thing again. Hehe. I'm being cheeky.


Jackson Nieuwland: What are some cheeky things you do? Are you more or less cheeky than most people? Do you like it when people are cheeky with you? You seem to like being cheeky on the internet. Are you more cheeky online or offline? How much time do you spend online? You seem to be disciplined about how much time you spend online (more disciplined than me at least). Are you a disciplined person? How do you make yourself get up for work every morning?


Stacey Teague: I do many cheeky things. I think many of the "cheeky" things I do are
intimate things that you do with a person. Not dirty things. Just funny lil things. Anyone can do cheeky things. Just gotta put your "hehe" face on. No one can deny the "hehe" face. The other day I was stealing a food thing from my friend's plate without asking. I achieved this by maintaining eye contact with said person and doing a lil grin whilst slowly moving my fork in the direction of their food thing. Is cheekiness a part of my brand? I think I am more cheeky online because I say "hehe" a lot. In real life it is weird to say "hehe" in conversation. I have tried it. It's weird.

I spend a lot of time online I think. I check facebook/gmail/twitter/google reader and I talk to people on gchat/facebook chat/skype. Sometimes I tinychat or read blogs or articles. That is most of the things I do online. Otherwise I am just on my mac book writing and listening to music or watching something. When I feel like I have spent too much time on my computer, I read a book or make zines or clean my house or go out and do something. I feel okay about the amount of time I spend online.

I am not very disciplined. I do the things I have to do. I Iike to feel a sense of accomplishment. I like to be organised but not in an annoying way, maybe like in a hip, bohemian way hehe. I also keep lists in a textedit document. Lists I have in my textedit doc are: "things to do (general)" and then sometimes I will plan out my week day-to-day but only when I know I am going to be busy because I forget things easily. Then I have: "need to buy" which is mostly books and then I have a "grocery list" "things to download" and things of that nature. This textedit document keeps my entire life in order I think. Anyway, discipline. I guess I just try to do what makes me feel okay. I succeed in this mostly.

Waking up in the morning usually goes like this (inside my head):

Fuck. What.... How is morning a thing. Gotta.. do stuff. Bed is warm. Gonna sleep a lil bit maybe. No. Get up. Hehe. Okay. Getting up now. Jk. Bed is too nice. Five more minutes. Gonna be late. Get up. Fuck you. Go way. Everything will be okay after coffee. Promise? Yes. Okay, lets get up.


Jackson Nieuwland: Is it always like that in your head? Do you ever think without using words? Is that even a thing or am I just making it up? What makes a thing a thing? Is everything you can think of a thing? Are these deep philosophical questions or gibberish? Do you ever think in gibberish? What are some random thoughts you've had lately? What are some thinks that you never think about?


Stacey Teague: My head is not always like that, but my inner monologue has similar idiosyncrasies. It's mostly like that when I wake up. I get v. grumpy when I am sleepy, but possibly like, endearingly grumpy or something. It is possible that I unconsciously think by not using words. I've never thought about that before. I am thinking about it now. It's kind of blowing my mind. Shit. I hope it is a thing, I really do. Maybe we can think music or something, or maybe we are thinking the words like "do dee doo". That's interesting. Want to submit that to yahoo answers or something.

I think everything is "a thing". Even everything that is not a thing is "a thing". Seems confusing idk. I often feel perplexed as to why/how I am "a thing". Heavy existential undertones. These are very good questions. I like them. Nailing it bro. I guess I think in gibberish sometimes. I assume everything thinks nonsensical things. Wait, I've forgotten the things that I think. Help. What is life. Idk, the times when I think my weirdest thoughts are when i've had either too much coffee or too little. I have fun experimenting with those levels.

I think a lot of random ass thoughts. Here are some. Upon reading that question about thinking without using words, it made me think about how people can communicate without using words. I think I am very interested in that, and prefer it to speaking. I've never been an overly verbal person. Gimme dat non-verbal communication. When it comes down to it, the ways you can show someone you care about them are mostly just variations of touching, eye contact and facial movements all bound together by "certain feelings". Holding a hand in a hand and placing it over a beating heart can say more than the raggedy-ass phrase "I love you" ever could. Sure it is nice to hear "I love you" and "You are beautiful" and so on, but maybe they don't hold as much value as the things that are implied in our actions.

I've also been thinking about solitude a lot lately. Thinking about how you can experience so many things when you are alone that you can't when you are with other people. You just notice more things. I think that's nice. This year I've been finding out what it really means to be a single person, and being okay with that. I had a string of relationships after high school and was never single for more than one month for about four years. It is refreshing to be alone. I feel like cranking "Independent Women" by Destinys Child on a daily basis. I think it is important to be able to be alone.

I don't think about sports very often. It's not that I'm vehemently opposed to sports, it's just not really my thing. I played netball from the ages of 8-16. I also played tennis because my dad made me. I did athletics for maybe like 4 months. I do have good memories of beach cricket and the odd petanque sesh at the family bach. I'm not an overly competitive person, so if I play sports I don't really care about winning which I feel like is a big part of sports maybe.

Other things I don't often think about include: astrology, the band "steely dan", the french revolution, the operating system "windows '97", anything that would be in the business section of the newspaper, hot celeb gossip, the tv show "mad about you", things that are lime flavoured, trip hop, judaism, clowns, the fashion industry, the novels of tom clancy, stamp collecting and teletubbies.


Jackson Nieuwland: What are your favourite types of social situations? Do you spend much time with your family? Is your family close? Are you particularly close to a certain family member? What do you talk about with your family? Do you feel comfortable telling your parents about your life? Which do you hang out with more: boys or girls? Does any of this say anything about you? Does anything, apart from saying something about you, say anything about you?


Stacey Teague: My favourite type of social situation would be hanging out with 2-4 people that I like, in a warm, comfortable place with good wine, food and conversation. Generally just chilling with people I like in any capacity seems ideal to me. I spend a good amount of time with my family. I don't live with my parents but I see them probably about twice a week. I think I would prefer not to have to rely on my parents for anything and only see them about once a fortnight. I don't mean to sound mean, but I appreciate my parents more when I don't see them for a while. It's probably best for our relationship if that happens. I visit my sister at her house at least once a week. I go to see my granddad usually about one Sunday a month and see other family at special occasions/lunch or dinner things. My immediate family is just me, mum, dad and my sister who is 6 years older than me. I have always been close with my sister. She always took care of me and taught me cool older sister things. Though it seems like I can't really relate to her or my parents on any kind of emotional level, and we don't share the same interests or views about the world. Thusly, we don't talk about anything of much significance when we get together. I feel unable to share parts of my life with them, and I mean they usually know what is going on in my life in that superficial way, but I don't really talk to them about my creative pursuits or anything overly personal. It seems like I've never really had that kind of relationship with my family. It makes me sad sometimes, but as I get older I accept it more and more. I have more female friends than male friends probably, but I don't feel this reflects upon me as a person. Idk, does it? Am I allowed to ask you questions? Hehe.

After reading that last question, I pasted it to Susie on skype and was like "how the eff do I answer this?" and she said "um well it's something about identity, some sort of action or 'thing' that describes you or is quintessentially you". I asked her what she would consider to be something that is "quintessentially me" because it is hard to know what is me because I am too caught up in my "me-ness" to articulate that maybe. Susie said "there is your predisposition for romance, by this I mean a love of love". Seems interesting to find out what other people think of you in this regard. I mean, idk, I'm sure there are lots of things that I do, in my physical actions or in how I choose to spend my time or interact with other people that say things about who I am as a person, but it's hard to be objective about those things. I feel like these are things that we cannot be too aware of, it's like trying to look at yourself from the outside, but the only way we can see ourselves is through something or someone else, mirror images. I guess my own sense of identity is implicit and shouldn't have to be put into words. I know who I am because I feel it distinctly when I am walking down the street, not because I can list all of my traits, idiosyncrasies and habits in bullet point form.


Jackson Nieuwland: You are encouraged to ask me questions. I think that you having more female friends probably says something about you but I don't know what it is. I asked that question because I have noticed that over the past year I have spent more time with females than males and I think it says something about me but I'm not sure what it is. Do you have anything to say about that? Are you truly certain of anything? Do you believe that you have to be able to express/explain something to be certain of it? Do you ever struggle to express your emotions? Do you separate your thoughts from your emotions? Do you trust your emotions? Do you trust your answers to these questions? Do you trust anyone completely?


Stacey Teague: I thought about it, and I think the fact that we both have more female friends means nothing at all (nothing at all nothing at all). I have girl-friends and I have boy-friends, aint no thang. One of my best friends is a boy and he is also my ex-boyfriend. I've been told we have an interesting relationship but the reason why we are such good friends is that we still love each other but not in any romantic way. We are able to completely be ourselves with each other without all of the bullshit and inhibitions. I don't have any other friendship quite like that.

Certainty is something that is difficult to 'truly' feel as a human being, especially when dealing with other human beings, as there is always some element of ambiguity. We are so changeable in our thoughts and feelings that even if we think we feel something in particular (i.e. love), there are times when we are not really sure. We can be so invested in one thing and the next minute be invested in something completely opposite. I can think of a few things that are certain. We can say [an object] is [an object] because we see it and because that is pre-agreed upon name for said object. If we throw a rock up into the air we know it will fall back down c/o gravity. Personally, the only thing I can say without any doubt whatsoever is that I am certain that one day I will die.

It got me thinking about materialism, because it sort of is a philosophical question. A lot of things a person can be sure about, such as the fact that we live on the planet earth, we're in a house, we're sitting on a chair..these things are certain, but only in a materialistic sense. Not that I subscribe to idealism or anything, but as I was thinking about this being like "oh yeah I'm certain that I am typing words into a computer right now" but then something in my head said "BUT AM I REALLY.." (cue spooky twilight zone sounds). I am as materialistic as one can get (um, not in the consumeristic sense guyz), but I couldn't help thinking that in the back of my mind. Suddenly I felt suspicious of everything in the physical world, like "are things a thing?". Guess that means I can't even really be certain that I am a materialist, then.

I think that I have more trouble verbalising my emotions to other people "irl" than when I am writing. When I am trying to express why I feel a certain way that is bad, I feel extremely scared and aware of myself in conjunction with the other person. I have a lot of trouble with this. I can't even find the right words to express it and even if I did I couldn't imagine my voice saying them. In writing it's different because you are alone and you have time and you don't have anyone's reactions to worry about. I find it very difficult to express feelings of sadness/depression but think I can express feelings of love/happiness better. Maybe.

A lot of the time it feels like my thoughts and emotions are not in sync. This is because whenever I feel anxious or depressed for no reason, I say to myself that I don't have anything to be anxious/depressed about but that doesn't seem to help anything. It's like my emotions take on a life of their own and suddenly do not respond to reason. My emotions are petulant lil children. Probably thoughts and emotions are linked most of the time, but they may not always be conscious thoughts. I mean thoughts/emotions just come from different parts of the brain anyway #amirite.

I don't even know whether the fact that I trust my emotions or not is really relevant. I mean, I trust the fact that I am experiencing an emotion because I am aware of behavioural/physical cues whilst acknowledging that said emotion could change into something else very easily and probably will. Whether I trust an emotion as being valid in a way that I think you mean, i.e. feeling love for a person, I think that it's not a question of whether you can trust it, it's whether or not you can identify and rationalize those feelings of love. If I did that, I think I could trust it maybe. I trust that the answers to these questions are earnest, even if they may not make sense or are badly written or explained. They are me, nonetheless. I am all of these horrible and wonderful things.

No (typed a lot of stuff for this last question but eventually just came back to this).


Jackson Nieuwland: Cats? Birds? Dinosaurs?


Stacey Teague: Cats are cool and probably my favourite out of all these three. The reasons of which there are a myriad (if 10 counts as "a myriad"):

1) They are furry and this means they are good for cuddling which in
turn makes for feelings of warmth and comfort in an otherwise cold and
unforgiving world (lol).
2) They are real chill. Mostly lie in the sun. Seems ideal.
3) There are not needy like dogs, which I feel gives them a quiet dignity.
4) You hardly ever see them doing their business (see above).
5) They make good sounds. Meows, squeaks and purrs.
6) Their lil noses.
7) Their hairy tongues.
8) The squishy pads they have on their paws.
9) Seems like they don't take shit from nobody.
10) How they arch their backs when they stretch.

I have a cat called Winnie who lives at my parent's house. Technically she is my sister's but she moved out of home and has now got her own cats so I claimed Winnie as my own. With my sister gone, we warmed to each other, and she would curl up beneath my covers and head butt my face in the middle of the night. I feel akin to her, and it feels like we share the same "things". I may be anthropomorphizing here, but [lost train of thought].

There is also Pickles the cat, who belongs to our neighbour but likes to hang out at our house. Last night he was sleeping on my bed and it felt real nice, made me feel less lonely. He can sometimes get a bit too aggressive in his affection though, and attacks without warning. Another cat I like is my bosses cat, Chloe. She sleeps inside in amongst the other birds like it's nbd. She is real grouchy because she is 19, and she drools heaps but I still like her a lot. I also work in a cattery, which is a real good job and I basically just do it for fun. I like chilling with the cats. They are the most ideal animal to me, and seem to fit my personality.

Birds are pretty good. Feel like I didn't really notice birds or care for them particularly until I started working at Bird Rescue. Now I really appreciate them, and think they are really beautiful creatures. My favourite bird is probably a duck because I think they are whimsical/goofy. One bird I would really like to see is a kea because they are one of the most intelligent birds in the world. On their wikipedia pages it says "they are often described as cheeky", and sometimes they kill sheep, like there have been reports of them hopping on top of a sheep and just pecking at them until they die. Seems brutal. There is this lorikeet at work who follows me around everywhere, he hops around on the floor after me and its real cute. I like to walk down to the beach near my house and watch all the birds, it makes me feel real peaceful. Being able to fly is pretty much the best thing, like pretty unbeatable. Can't wait to go to the South Island and check out all the sweet ass birds there.

I like dinosaurs because they seem mysterious and kind of frightening, even the lil ones. The entire prehistoric era fascinates me, and it seems exciting how much the earth has changed and how much more it will change. Kind of a borderline science nerd. It makes me think about my own impermanence, because the dinosaurs lived for so long, millions of years and hundreds of different species and now they are all gone and we will be too one day. It's a really special type of feeling that it gives me, not a bad feeling, one that makes me feel lucky to even exist. Transience is a beautiful thing, really.

Antipobros being bros

I was talking to Jackson earlier today and we were both feeling pretty bleak. I suggested that we both needed to make an effort not to feel so bad and keep in contact with each other while we were doing these things that made us feel less bad. He was going to go buy some envelopes (I suggested he also buy candy) and I was going to clean the house. Here is a record of our txts:

Jackson

Sitting at the bus stop, eatin candy, reading

Stacey

Doing dishes, still listening to mount eerie, still feel bad

Jackson

Put on some dancing music. Dance. Independent woman

Stacey

Just put on jumpin jumpin. Ladies leave yo man at home. How dat candy? Feeling less bad?

Jackson

The mixed bag of candy is a mixed bag. Better than no candy though! A lil less bad. You jumpin?

Stacey

Ye. Listening to bug a boo now. Where my ladies at. Made a cuppa. Damn fly.

Jackson

Stacizzle in the hizzle. Making it rain, shes dancing in the drizzle

Stacey

Eating a cookie with said tea. Feel 15% better. Are there any gummy worms in tha mix?

Jackson

There was a single sour worm. There were some coke flavoured worms too. Like coke bottles but in worm form. Avant garde candy

Stacey

Listening to aaliyah now. Life-affirming slow jamz. What should I do now?

Jackson

You were gonna make the shack squeeky clean? Dance to r&b while doing so!

Stacey

Just kind of standing in the same spot not knowing what to do with myself. Everything is clean. I want to play guitar but I don't have one.

Stacey

Listening to mount eerie again. Progress declining! Help!

Jackson

Answer the last question of our interview?

Stacey

Ye i'll do that How are you? Got dem envelopes?

Jackson

Aaaaaah make a video of yourself pretending to be a dinosaur listening to lil wayne. I got those envelopes. Gonna be mailing up a storm

Stacey

Sweet bb. You do realise that this is highly bloggable hehe. Did your outing make you feel better?

Jackson

Outing helped a lil. Texting you helped a lot

Stacey

It helped me too. We did good, team. Gonna read my book now

Jackson

High five!

rare ass antipobro pic

Best Travel Song Ever

elzhi @ fu bar auckland 08/09/11

things i wrote down in my notebook during the night/afterwards:

majority of people at gig are males wearing those hats that all the g's wear, one of them said "fuct" on it

damn, forgot that i existed (or wish i didn't os)

trying to be objective, like i am observing some kind of hip hop/red-wine fuelled experiment

in a toilet cubicle touching the walls thinking "why am i here"

just ate an ice cube wtf

felt really detached from my own body, feels [something]

maybe i should stand up idk

thought my pen was a cigarette like literally

so drunk idc about my shit anymore

(later) where did all my shit go

elzhi is a shawty

want a cigarette that tastes like caramel popcorn

elzhi kept saying "one love" and getting people to hold up one finger to indicate this. thought "is god the one thing we are supposed be loving? lol"

just wanna be a fly honey idgaf

elzhi did nas tributes, seemed legit (trying to stay topical)

everybody is smoking cigarettes and i am eating a carrot

someone suggested we move onto to "greener pastures" and i said "wish we could go to a literal green pasture"

the whale rider girl (keisha castle-hughes) was at the gig, outside she yelled out "tongaaaa" whilst another guy ran into the middle of the road waving a nz flag around ("jesus")

had fruit in my bag and handed some out to people, one guy was like "ooh, i'll have a segment" re: mandarin

hope someone remembers me as the weird girl with all the fruit

sitting in an egg of some sort, feels safe in here

feels like there is something growing in my hair, a lil creature os

is this life or twitter?

wanna die.. lol, jesus...

"this is our punishment for not believing in god" - laura re: going to a bar where people were unashamedly grinding

going back to my friends house and skating down her road on a longboard

our taxi driver pio came inside to hang out with us, he was this old fijian guy, chill ass

friend's flat mates got up for work, eating their cereal while we "cranked" regulate by warren g

Once a lot smaller looking up to shot callers, not ballers, they never grew up just got taller

Going out is not my thing. I don't drink or take drugs. I don't like talking to people I don't know. I suffer from an anxiety disorder. Blah blah blah.

Hip hop music is my thing. It is the only type of music I listen to really. It is what got me into writing poetry. A few years ago I thought I was going to be a famous rapper. Blah blah blah.

These two factors battle with each other whenever a hip hop gig is announced in Wellington. I've been trying to get out more recently and Elzhi is one of my favourite rappers, so when I found out that he was playing in Wellington I texted my friend Rowan, asking if he was going. Rowan said he was keen so I bought my ticket.

The doors opened at 8pm so I estimated that the show wouldn't begin til about 11. I left my house at 9 and walked into town. I stopped at a dairy and bought a vanilla coke to keep me awake. When I got near to the bar, San Francisco Bath House, I out took my wallet unsure and nervous about being asked for ID. I walked in the door, the bouncer saw my wallet in my hand and said, "Yeah show me your ID, as if you need it." Then he looked carefully between my drivers license and my face before letting me pass.

At the top of the stairs a man took my ticket and made an addition to the tattoo on my right wrist, which I quickly accidentally smudged with my thumb. There were people sitting in all of the booths but the rest of the bar was empty. A DJ was playing a lot of Detroit hip hop. I found a couch and sat down by myself.

Nervous and feeling lonely, I had a text conversation with Alice.
Jackson: I am at a bar! =s
Alice: You are wonderful. Embrace the bar. Pretend you are a ballerina
Jackson: I am not wearing a tu-tu, but I do have a pink bandana with rainbows and unicorns. I drank coke to make sure I dont fall asleep
Alice: Omg i had a coke too! Are you buzzin?!!??
Jackson: I'm on my freakin bumble bee buzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz
Jackson: I am a buzz bar.
Alice: Yum. I'm so tired. What are you doin at a bar? Can we start a quiz team and do that? We can eat chips with aioli
Jackson: A rapper I like is going to rap. I am out of my element. I am very keen for quizzes
Alice: What rapper? Rapper isn't even in my predictive dictionary. Will i know them?
Jackson: The rappers name is Elzhi. My name is buzz lightyear. I thought my friend was gonna come but now I don't think he is
Alice: He probably will. I feel pleased about this.
Jackson: I feel scared
Alice: You are an eagle

I felt anxious. My right leg was shaking a bit and I had tears in my eyes. Rowan was stuck working on an assignment that was due the next morning. I considered going to hide in the toilets. The DJ was replaced with a VJ. He had good taste but his transitions were sloppy. The videos were projected onto the wall opposite me, so I had a good view. Watching them helped me relax.

I looked up nervously every time someone walked past my couch on their way to the toilets. One guy looked vaguely familiar. He saw me glance at him and walked up to me.
"Big Tom. I knew you were a hip hop fan," he shouted over the music.
"Yeah," I mumbled.
"I just didn't know your facebook name was Jackson Nieuw..."
"Yeah."
"So whenever you said something I was like..."
"Who is this."
"That's cool man."
There was a short silence and then he walked off and founded a group of people standing right in front of me, blocking my view of the projector. I looked down at my phone. It said that I was on Taranaki street even though I was on Cuba street.

At 11 I stood up and went to the toilet. There was an empty beer bottle balanced on the top of the urinal. The floor was wet, I hoped not with piss. After washing my hands I walked out of the mens room and stood near the stage but separate from the other groups standing around. I waited for the show to start.

There was no opening act. At the end of his set the VJ yelled into the mic, "I'm honoured to introduce, straight from Detroit, Motor City, Elzhi!" Suddenly everyone in the building crowded toward the stage. The room was full but not crowded. I was in a pretty good position, to the left of centre stage, a few rows back from the front.

Elzhi was a confident performer. His breath control and enunciation were very impressive. He rapped without a hypeman and never relied on the crowd to finish his lines (though sometimes he turned the mic on us for effect). The crowd was receptive, seemed to know a good amount of the songs, and Elzhi controlled them well.

He performed the entirety of his new mixtape, Elmatic. Did a few fantastic freestyles (complete with references to New Zealand, Wellington, and people in the crowd). I was disappointed that he didn't do any of his earlier material even when the crowd was yelling for it. He gave a matter of fact encore. Then the show was over. The DJ returned to the stage and started playing Elzhi records. I left quickly and almost stepped on a used condom on the way home

topic

travel............. (so relevant)

used to have dreams about bushfires when i was young

100!

In Wellington everything is close together. Unless you live in certain suburbs. I live very close to town and walk everywhere. Recently I have taken to reading as I walk. It seems mildly dangerous. I have almost bumped into a lot of people. One day I was walking along a path on a hill and there was a steep drop to my left. I was seperated from a cliff by a small fence. Thinking back, I realise that if I had lost my balance on the steep hill I could have easily fallen over the railing and been seriously injured. I am a daredevil.

Everyday I visit the library. As I walk there I read. When I arrive I read. As I walk home I read. Today I borrowed a huge pile of comics. I had forgotten to bring my backpack so on my way home I carried the bundle of comics as if it was a baby. Even with my arms busy cradling comics I still read poetry to myself on the walk home. I considered how dangerous it would be to lose yourself in reading while carrying a young child across busy streets. I am a terrible father.

Since I have taken up this habit of reading while walking I have run into many old acquaintances I know through basketball. They greet me and then look at me strangely. "Why is he reading a book?" they are thinking. I don't play basketball anymore. "He's gone soft," they are thinking. They ask me if I still rap. I say, "No. I write poetry now." I am losing my street cred. How do I get my street cred back? Please help me

77

i think about all the things

that I want to feel on my skin

salt water

hair

sheets

skin

and then more skin

i want to feel fire

let it drape over me

as if it were another body

a canopy of flesh

covering me in hands and sweat

the fire illuminates faces

glowing eyes and mouths

warming hands that are held together

feeling the warmth through thick jumpers

right down to our bones

like a liquid we feel it in our marrow

there are waves of it

waves and waves of it

i think things like

"feel warm as shit"

we throw wood into the fire

we throw ourselves into the fire

i'm going to die and when i do i want my body to be donated to science and the leftovers cremated and then those ashes scattered in a fire and so on can someone make sure this happens please.

A selection of txts I sent to Jackson Nieuwland last night whilst drunk that concern 'fire'

Omg yes! Thought highly of you for liking Gilmore Girls. Having good convos with people. There's a fire!

Sitting by the fire. Deep ass convo with huna. Things are ok. I feel ok.

The fire is burning my eyeballs but I don't wanna move because it's cold. You should do a new topic for antipobros.

My front is too hot and my back is too cold. Need to rotate rotiserie styles. How do you even spell that. Someone said they liked my beret, seemed nice.

Theme

FIRE

My Dream

I want to be a stay at home dad.
I want to live with a female who I love and have sex with.
I want to have two children.
I want to write books that people smile while reading.
I want to publish books.
I want to coach high school basketball.
I want to have close friends who I see regularly.
I want to spend time with my family and help them with things.
I want to have a personal library.
I want to exercise regularly.
I want to not suffer from any mental disorders

This morning

Dozing in and out of sleep,
I dreamt I was holding you close.
It was like you were really here.

waking up exactly where you fall (asleep)

i’ve been sleeping on the other

side of the bed

a lot lately

i’ve been thinking about you

over there

and how perfectly you fit

yes,

there

and everywhere else

it doesn’t take me long to fall asleep anymore either

you

and

me

eyes shut

in dreams

we are more alive than ever

until we wake up

i suppose

i realise that isn’t even half of it

being alive in dreams

together

is

well,

fantastic

but nothing

(i don’t think)

is more

extraordinary

than

genuinely

you

DREAM DIARY

15/08/11

7:57 PM me: i had this one dream where i cut open my stomach and watched worms devour my innards. i watched as the worms got bigger and bigger. woke up and thought "#dark"

7:58 PM me: you were in a dream maybe, but not that one

8:06 PM me: i wish i remembered the dream with you and not the worm one

8:11 PM me: in my dream with you i just remembered feeling happy

16/08/11

I think Macauley Culkin was in my dream.

17/08/11

Specfiically remember a brown cardigan, the exact shade of brown and the texture of it on my skin.

18/08/11

I had lots of dreams but none of them made me feel anything in particular. I saw people that were my friends but their faces had changed. I made up new friends in my head.

19/08/11

I woke up with a strange feeling, like every dream was a holocaust. Burnt bodies. I had seen my future, big truths, a revelation and forgotten all of it. What was left was a shell, and I put my body into it but it did not fit me. I tried to settle into its folds but it resisted, becoming clunky and metal and cold. It was one of those times where I could not remember anything I dreamt, and I was left with just a feeling. A ghost of something. I carried this feeling around with me all morning.

20/08/11

A gymnasium, a fair, a NYC apartment, my parent's house, a street, a field, a bus, a classroom. So many faces. Yours, saying words to me, just before I wake up and my heart stops.

21/08/11

I had a dream that I was back at high school, a dream that I have very often. Only it was more like some kind of poetry school, and we were knitting poetry or something. Seemed really cool. I remember walking through work, touching the bars of cages and the sound it made reverberated in my head. That sound woke me up.

tweets abt dream/dreams

new topic: dreams

ye

smthin abt death

a major death thing in my life is the fact that douglas anderson (father) died when i was like 5 yrs old. unsure whether this is something i am allowed to dwell on or whether i am meant to be 'over it'
idk
pretty sure it has 'shaped me', seems like an impactful happening
when i was 15 maybe i was snooping in a filing cabinet in our computer room and i found his death certificate and i think it said that he didn't die instantly, that he was in a lot of pain and died in the hospital. he died in a farming accident that involved a tractor, i created this weird scenario in my mind about what it was like... our farm is ~45 mins away from any sort of hospital..

in 2008 i went into the 'local library' in the town we moved to and spent half an hour or so looking through newspapers from 1994 trying to find one with a death notice or an obituary. i found something and photocopied it. because i am the kind of person who keeps a lot of different pieces of paper i sometimes come across it, folded amongst my other papers, just look at it folded in its particular way and i know it is the one.

mum has this big box of photos from family/friends & it is full of pictures of him and sometimes when i knew she was going to be out all day i would take it out, sit down and look through all the pictures one by one, just crying, looking, thinking.. who are these people

lately my aunt has taken to repeating this story about his funeral, that when they were lowering the coffin i stepped forward to look at what was happening 'like a little doll' (my aunt says), and my uncle stopped me from stepping into it. this uncle i met for the first time a month ago and he looks pretty similar to my dad and i felt like i might cry just looking at him. instead i borrowed a very strong cigarette off my cousin... lol

2011 Death

Death by jackson-nieuwland

2010 Death

Heaven is no good if you’re scared of heights

I don’t want to fall into the night.
Clouds can’t hold the weight of my soul.
Heaven is no good if you’re scared of heights.

I came up here because it looked bright.
Looking down, the sky is blacker than coal.
I don’t want to fall into the night.

I was lured like a moth to the light.
Now the clouds thunder and roll.
Heaven is no good if you’re scared of heights.

The view from here is a terrible sight.
What if I step into a hole?
I don’t want to fall into the night.

My whole body is shaking in fright,
Standing on this unsteady knoll.
Heaven is no good if you’re scared of heights.

Living up here doesn’t seem right.
What did I do to deserve this toll?
I don’t want to fall into the night.
Heaven is no good if you’re scared of heights.

Jackson

Stacey

post-funeral macro

death song

made a death playlist
going to a funeral
they are going to talk about god a lot

ideas for poems (a poem) (74)

something about hair cascading over my face so that it feels like i am a lil creature hiding in your hair
something about being very quiet
something about looking at your face and feeling things
something about smile lines
something about oceans and oceans and oceans
something about waking up in the middle of the night, kissing your lips and then falling back asleep with my lips still on your lips a little bit
something about (censored) (censored)
something about listening to Neutral Milk Hotel on my headphones
something about mouthing words to a song
something about feeling okay
something about your death or
something about your life or
something about how these things are the same thing maybe
something about feeling detached
something about trying to push my body through glass
something about wanting to break everything or just one specific thing
something about the various textures of my hand
something about slender fingers and limbs
something about leaving everything i know
something about drinking a lot of coffee
something about friendship
something about being really, really warm
something about something

the evolution of an identity

Susie

James

antiporap

Extended footage of yesterday's Antipobro Ustream just for you!

Jackson Niewland and Ben Rosamund rap live on cam, with dance support from Alice May Connolly and James 'ass' Duncan.

antipobros IRL

We did a ustream thing.





















Screenshot by Neon Glittery.

Alice

I am never going to understand the 'jersey dress'

The Snow Looks Pure Tonight

The fire and the wine and the words in the air, alone, together, a blanket and a chair. They're talking about their future. He is stroking her hair and her eyes are heavy and she's drifting off to sleep. He looks outside, dark but light. The snow looks pure tonight.

clouds are really becoming a motif for some reason

72

i say to you
that i have been getting "poem" feelings

which is something like sitting in the passenger seat of a car
alone and looking at the rain

it is listening to the same album over and over and over again

it is feeling the wind like it is a tangible object
that i can mould with my fingers

it is holding my hands out in front of me
like i am cupping water
and thinking "i want to fit into the nook of my hand"

i would like to spend my time trying to fit into all the small spaces of the world

i want to be very safe and warm

i imagine myself as a bear

i imagine myself as a lil worm

i imagine myself as a living representation of the sound my bedroom door makes when you open it

i imagine you and i as a body of water

let's go swimming in the wintertime

INTERVIEW WITH JAMES DUNCAN

Jackson Nieuwland  May 30

Are you male or female? How old are you? How tall are you? How much do you weigh? What colour is your hair? What colour are your eyes? Where were you born? Any birthmarks? Any tattoos? Any piercings?

James Duncan

May 30

I am male. I am 18 years old. My height is ~6'. I weigh ~60 kilograms. My hair is blonde. I looked at the entry for "Eye color" on Wikipedia and read this - '"Brown eyes" redirects here. For other uses, see Brown eyes (disambiguation).' ... I think my eyes are 'blue.' I was born in Sydney, Australia. There don't seem to be any significant markings on my body... no tattoos. I don't have any piercings.

Jackson Nieuwland  Jun 5 Can you ride a bike? Do you have a driver's license? What is your most used mode of transport? What is your favourite mode of transport? Tell us a travel/transport story.

James Duncan

Jun 6

I can ride a bike. I have a provisional driver's license which means I can't lawfully drive over 90 km/h, or carry more than one passenger after 11p.m. My most used modes of transport are walking and trains. My favourite mode of transport is walking. During my first year of high school the bus was driven by a driver from Hong Kong, on and off, for about 3 months. Nobody knew his name, but called him Chips because one time he stopped the bus for 10-15 minutes to buy himself some hot chips (for breakfast). Over the course of the journey he would "hype up" the passengers by yelling "Eeehhhhhh, eh!" to which everyone would answer "Hey, hey, heyyyy!" or something similar. Sometimes, when stopped at an intersection, Chips would turn to the passengers and tell us how much he loved us maybe just to pass the time or maybe because he really meant it. One time he bought a packet of assorted biscuits and offered them to people as they boarded the bus. As much as we liked him, it seemed strange or wrong to be given food by the driver. I can't remember if I said no thanks to a biscuit or if there were none left by the time I got on, but I know that I was one of the last people to board because I rode the bus near the front, standing in the aisle, about a metre from Chips. Not long after leaving the bus stop, Chips brought the vehicle to a crawl, opened the doors and called out to a passing girl, "Excuse me, are you Chinese?" She looked up from the pavement to see where the voice had come from, finding Chips' grinning face yelling back at her, "Because these boys think you are BEAUTIFUL!" He turned around and made his signature chant, "Eeehhhhhh, eh!" and drove away quickly as we echoed, "Hey, hey, heyyyy!" Later, at a clear intersection, Chips exclaimed, "There is no car on the road today, it is a beauuutiful day!" Chips made everyone feel good. Another time, the door on a car opened and closed as it pulled out in front of the bus. He said, "This man here, he is Hong Kong taxi driver." Chips wore white gloves. This may have been for hygiene or just because he liked the feeling of his sheathed hands against the wheel, but some people who caught the bus suggested that it was so there wouldn't be any DNA evidence when he killed us all. Chips drove so fast, he always got me to school on time.

Jackson Nieuwland

Jun 6

Do you walk to parties? How do you get to parties? DO you party a lot? Are you a party animal? What sort of animal do you think a party animal is? Do you have a birthday party every year? What is your favourite party you have been to?

James Duncan

Jun 10

I have walked to parties before. I usually take a train and then walk to parties. One time there was a party in my suburb that I was able to walk to and walk home from without using any other form of transport. I am not sure if I party a lot. I feel like I don't party a lot but maybe I would think otherwise if I could see myself from an external perspective. I might be a party animal. If lying on my bed, listening to emotional music through headphones, and feeling like I am always in a state of 'almost-crying' is considered a party then I am an out-of-control party animal. I sometimes go to friends' parents' houses and drink alcohol and listen to music and maybe say some things that I later identify as being a representation of 'not-myself' or some some. I don't really consider 'low-key' things like that to be parties but they probably are actual parties. I think I start considering something a proper 'party' when I can't really gauge how many people will be there or how exactly I will conduct myself, or just when I start considering things like that. When I feel like I can't arrive at an event without being intoxicated, it is probably a party. That probably happens once or twice a month. I think lots of humans are party animals but other sorts of animals could be party animals, idk. I had a birthday 'gathering' when I turned 17. Lots of people who attended weren't really close friends but people I had met at other 'gatherings,' and I felt awkward. My parents supplied a small amount of beer that people seemed unenthusiastic towards. I drank enough beer that I found it difficult to resist grinning at various points throughout the night, while others drank nothing. My close friends - who seemed estranged, strangely - sat in a corner of the garden and smoked weed. I smoked weed with them and watched people do 'the bubble' on other people who were stoned, trying to convince them that they had been in some sort of unconscious bubble for what seemed like a few seconds to them but was really about 30 minutes. I watched a girl shake her head in a disapproving manner and mutter "No, no" as people did 'the bubble' on her. Later, I sat around a table, trying to be a good host, and found it difficult to hold a conversation with people. My mum had made chocolate brownies that were on a plate on the table. The same girl who had resisted 'the bubble' ate about half of the brownies. A playlist containing mostly songs by A Tribe Called Quest and Animal Collective played during the night. My friend wrote a rap on a piece of paper and gave it to a girl he was 'tuning' at the time. Someone found some fireworks in the garage, that were left over from celebrating Y2K, and fired a rocket out of an empty bottle. People started leaving and I fell asleep watching a really bad action film on TV. My 18th birthday reminded me of turning 17 and I decided not to have a party. I think I had had some sort of birthday party every year before that. I'm not sure what my favourite party has been. At a party about a month ago I found a book of Bukowski's poetry which I read to people in a 'poetry voice,' which I found quite fun. I also danced to "I Wanna Be Your Dog" in a manner that I hadn't danced before. In a bedroom, I read aloud a copious number of text messages from my phone and told people that it was poetry. I know that the event was a party because I consumed alcohol at a rate of ~1.5 'standard drinks' per ~12 minutes for about 2 hours before feeling comfortable and then arriving at the house where it was. That was probably my favourite party I have been to.

Jackson Nieuwland

Jun 13

What do you do for fun besides partying? Has what you view as 'fun' changed over the years? Is 'chilling' 'fun'? Would you describe yourself as a 'chill bro'. Do you like 'chillwave' music? What's something that you find 'bloodchilling'?

James Duncan

Jun 28

Bru, I don't party that much. I think experiencing 'fun' means being engaged in and enjoying an activity enough that I don't contemplate long term goals, how much sleep I will get that night, whether I am even happy or not etc. for the period of time that I am doing it. I guess this means that what I find fun involves decreased (or changed) awareness -- beginning doing something knowing that it is 'for fun' can just lead to disappointment for me, maybe, unless that thing is intoxication which is almost always guaranteed fun. This is kind of circular but I think 'fun' is a fun way of saying something somewhere between pleasure and happiness. I don't know. Making music with friends can be fun. Playing a game of chess -- sometimes I play chess -- can be fun. Reading and also writing, sleeping and dreaming are fun. What I view as fun has changed over time. I think life, or being conscious, in its entirety was once 'fun' for me. I still think life is mostly fun. I think a fun moment is one that I would like to, but know I can't, reproduce. These sorts of moments can pass while 'chilling' which is like a chill way of saying doing nothing. I'm a chill bro and I like chillwave music. I find the idea that there was once nothing and that there might again, and forever after that, be nothing 'bloodchilling.' I mean as much as we know about 'nothing' is via consciousness which is some weird ass part of existence but eventually there will be an actual fucking nothing.

Jackson Nieuwland

Jun 28

I actually find that I often don't enjoy chilling that much. I always feel as if I should be doing something. Is there anything that you feel you need to do? What do you want to do in life? What do you want to do right now? What do you want to do tomorrow? Do you have any goals? Do you have any dreams? Do you remember your dreams very often? Are you dreams, when you remember them, interesting? Can you tell us a cool dream you've had?

James Duncan

Jul 7

I agree with you re 'chilling.' I can't chill on my own; often I will tell someone that I have just been chilling at home when really my brain has been quite busy. Right now I feel that I need to write concise and maybe interesting answers to your questions, eat something and write a poem. I feel that answers to questions about what I want to "do in life" involve knowing what sort of 'career path' I would like to take and I don't know what sort of 'career path' I would like to take. It's the evening and I would like to write some things, read a book, eat something and go to sleep feeling that today has been enjoyable and that tomorrow might be enjoyable also. Tomorrow I would like to clean and then rearrange my room, do some of the same things as I wanted to do today, go for a walk to places near my house and maybe go to a friend's house to make some music. I don't have any specific goals but vague ideas of fulfillment. I feel that I am goal-orientated--always moving towards an elusive sort of excited peacefulness and doing things on the never-ending way to it--in a way that I never seem to have actual concrete goals, where I do things without ever feeling weighted by them. I'm not sure if that is good or bad. I think my dream is just this big ass elusive piece of emotional experience that I will probably never have. I remember my dreams quite vividly but they might not seem interesting or significant to anyone. I often wake in a dream, in my room, get out of bed and feel that something is coming to get me. But the feeling and the dream is familiar and I just make it stop. I walk into the room at the back of the house, open the window and jump out of it. Sometimes someone will try to pull me back through the window and it gets messy with all the glass and infinite fly screens and the window wanting to have to be opened more than once. When this happens I might think "what is this i don't even have a body lol" and then I will be outside, floating. Sometimes I will be naked and then suddenly I won't be naked. I can then go pretty much anywhere I would like to go. The air is viscous, like honey, and I kick and pull through it. I usually do breast-stroke. If I want to, I can land in the neighbours garden and stand in a corner. My eyes are an ice pick; I look at the place where two sides of the fence and the ground meet and pull it apart. I move through the space I've made and down a spiral staircase, wade through a pool or onto a mountain where there is snow. Usually some kind of backstory will offer itself to me and I will have something to do or somewhere to be. Sometimes I will be more conscious and make things happen, make things appear, have a conversation with a person in another person's body and realize I am speaking to myself. One time I flew through a dark tunnel, through some ghosts and into the space beside a building with floor-to-ceiling windows. I sat on some grass with a small group of people, beside someone who seemed familiar. There was sunshine where we were but there wasn't a sun or a sky for it to be in. A man stood in front of the group and said things and I felt excited, anticipating going inside the glass building. My 'friend' and I moved away and sat beside a small brick building and smoked weed and then smoked acid because smoking acid was a thing. I took a cigarette from her bag. I felt calm and happy to be where I was and with who I was with. There was no past and the future was always good and just about to happen but never arrived. I wasn't really aware of those conditions while I was dreaming. I met my friend's mum or my friend's friend who looked like a mum and the dream ended soon after that. I think I have had cooler dreams than that…

Jackson Nieuwland

Jul 8

I tell people I've been chilling when I've been busy too! It just seems easier most of the time. Also, who really wants to hear what I've been doing? I feel like this should be the last (set of) question(s). I don't know what to ask. I didn't sleep last night. My thoughts are blurry. We're meeting in two weeks. What are your thoughts on that? Could you say something about the difference between interacting with people online and interacting face to face? How long have you been talking to people online? What different interfaces have you used to talk to people online? How real to you are the people you talk to online? Am I real to you? Are we bros? Is this interview happening right now? Are these questions? If these aren't questions, what am I doing? What am I doing?

James Duncan

Jul 13

I wouldn't mind hearing about what you have been doing. I agree with you re "last (set of) question(s)." Sometimes I don't sleep very much and I enjoy the 'blurriness' that results from it. Sometimes I don't enjoy it. I hope you're feeling good. Me taking so long to reply to your questions means we are meeting in about one week now. I have enjoyed answering your questions; I have been reading them then thinking about them for a while, sometimes forgetting that I need to type out the answers and send them to you. Hehe (sorry.) I feel sort of calmly excited about meeting you and think that we will 'get along' well. I'm excited about lots of things, I don't even know. I feel that, compared to interacting face to face, there is nothing unnatural or 'wrong' about interacting with people online--it remains that we are just trying to, and quite often succeeding in, 'connecting' with other people. I have found that I can learn a lot about a person via the internet in a way that is real and constructive and very comfortable, maybe sometimes 'weightless.' We can share ideas and things and maybe become close without being overwhelmed by each other's actual presences but then none of this is lost when we interact face to face. I'd hope that this 'rings' true when I meet you and when I meet other people who I talk to online but haven't yet met. I have been talking to people online for about 10 years. A friend helped me set up a hotmail account when I was 8 years old. I spoke to him, his older brothers and his older sister and some other people on msn messenger. Since then I have used facebook, myspace, bebo (lol), gmail, aol instant messenger, blogger, tumblr, skype, some music community site whose name I can't remember and maybe some other things. I can remember the first time someone wrote "brb" to me. I kept looking at it, pronouncing it like "bih-rib" in my head. I asked her what it meant and it took a while for her to answer because she had gone away from the computer. When I found out that it meant "be right back" I felt a bit sad that she had stopped the conversation to do something else. Quite often, while talking online, I will involuntarily generate an image of a place that is in some way associated with a person and project it as a sort of 'backdrop' to their conversation, like a hyperspace that I inhabit while typing words to them. When thinking about a person who I talk to online, they can seem unreal. I think I picture (involuntarily, again, hehe) the space that I most frequently am in when I talk to a person, with them just sort of 'there' in it. I can get attached to these places. I get attached to the people in them. I get attached to people; I am human. Lolololol. The more time I spend face to face with somebody, the less I will think of them in this way and the more 'real' they will seem. If I go to someone's home and see the place where they compute from I tend to start thinking of them in a more concrete way. I don't know if it is good or bad, right or wrong, that instead of accepting that I am alone here and just reading words on a screen I allow myself to create these people-presences. I guess it is just a function of empiricism or something. You seem very real to me and you are my bro. This is happening. You are requesting information from me via questions. Haha, I have really enjoyed doing this interview. Right now you are sleeping, you told me so.