Sunday, 11 September 2011
How To Be Stacey Teague
Jackson Nieuwland: Do you like the name Stacey? Do you like the name Teague? Do you mind when people call you Teagues? What are some nicknames you've had? Do you like any of them? Do you know anything about Cheryl Tiegs? Do you have any favourite names?
Stacey Teague: I feel pretty indifferent towards my name. Like if my name were a
thing I would pick it up limply in my hand and then let it fall to the ground and just leave it there. It's just my name. Seems like it doesn't matter, but only in the way that nothing really matters. According to some films, the only people with the name "Stacey" are annoying American teens. I've only known two other people with the same name as me and I didn't like either of them. Once, "Staci" (probably did a love heart above the "i") told on me in P.E. class for talking to my friend and not participating in the softball game or whatever. Jesus. Sometimes at assembly in school I used to think they were saying my name when they said "stay seated". I remember I had this plaque thing that said my name meant "resurrection". That means nothing to me. Teague is okay. I have no real strong feelings towards either of my names. I like it when people call me Teagues. It seems nice. It seems affectionate. My family calls me Stace mostly. Possibly feels more "casual" or "intimate" to call me Stace but I really don't mind either way. My sister sometimes calls me Steaky. I think she thinks it's cute. I don't mind. I like the name Adelaide. I can imagine me having a lil girl called Adelaide and I would call her "Addie" maybe. Seems weird to think about having children. Which is why I don't mostly. I like the name Tilly. I also like the name Neve. I can't think of any boy's names that I like but there are probably some idk. I don't know who Cheryl Tiegs is but I just read her wikipedia entry. I still don't really know who she is because I x'd out of that tab by accident and now I don't want to type in the thing again. Hehe. I'm being cheeky.
Jackson Nieuwland: What are some cheeky things you do? Are you more or less cheeky than most people? Do you like it when people are cheeky with you? You seem to like being cheeky on the internet. Are you more cheeky online or offline? How much time do you spend online? You seem to be disciplined about how much time you spend online (more disciplined than me at least). Are you a disciplined person? How do you make yourself get up for work every morning?
Stacey Teague: I do many cheeky things. I think many of the "cheeky" things I do are
intimate things that you do with a person. Not dirty things. Just funny lil things. Anyone can do cheeky things. Just gotta put your "hehe" face on. No one can deny the "hehe" face. The other day I was stealing a food thing from my friend's plate without asking. I achieved this by maintaining eye contact with said person and doing a lil grin whilst slowly moving my fork in the direction of their food thing. Is cheekiness a part of my brand? I think I am more cheeky online because I say "hehe" a lot. In real life it is weird to say "hehe" in conversation. I have tried it. It's weird.
I spend a lot of time online I think. I check facebook/gmail/twitter/google reader and I talk to people on gchat/facebook chat/skype. Sometimes I tinychat or read blogs or articles. That is most of the things I do online. Otherwise I am just on my mac book writing and listening to music or watching something. When I feel like I have spent too much time on my computer, I read a book or make zines or clean my house or go out and do something. I feel okay about the amount of time I spend online.
I am not very disciplined. I do the things I have to do. I Iike to feel a sense of accomplishment. I like to be organised but not in an annoying way, maybe like in a hip, bohemian way hehe. I also keep lists in a textedit document. Lists I have in my textedit doc are: "things to do (general)" and then sometimes I will plan out my week day-to-day but only when I know I am going to be busy because I forget things easily. Then I have: "need to buy" which is mostly books and then I have a "grocery list" "things to download" and things of that nature. This textedit document keeps my entire life in order I think. Anyway, discipline. I guess I just try to do what makes me feel okay. I succeed in this mostly.
Waking up in the morning usually goes like this (inside my head):
Fuck. What.... How is morning a thing. Gotta.. do stuff. Bed is warm. Gonna sleep a lil bit maybe. No. Get up. Hehe. Okay. Getting up now. Jk. Bed is too nice. Five more minutes. Gonna be late. Get up. Fuck you. Go way. Everything will be okay after coffee. Promise? Yes. Okay, lets get up.
Jackson Nieuwland: Is it always like that in your head? Do you ever think without using words? Is that even a thing or am I just making it up? What makes a thing a thing? Is everything you can think of a thing? Are these deep philosophical questions or gibberish? Do you ever think in gibberish? What are some random thoughts you've had lately? What are some thinks that you never think about?
Stacey Teague: My head is not always like that, but my inner monologue has similar idiosyncrasies. It's mostly like that when I wake up. I get v. grumpy when I am sleepy, but possibly like, endearingly grumpy or something. It is possible that I unconsciously think by not using words. I've never thought about that before. I am thinking about it now. It's kind of blowing my mind. Shit. I hope it is a thing, I really do. Maybe we can think music or something, or maybe we are thinking the words like "do dee doo". That's interesting. Want to submit that to yahoo answers or something.
I think everything is "a thing". Even everything that is not a thing is "a thing". Seems confusing idk. I often feel perplexed as to why/how I am "a thing". Heavy existential undertones. These are very good questions. I like them. Nailing it bro. I guess I think in gibberish sometimes. I assume everything thinks nonsensical things. Wait, I've forgotten the things that I think. Help. What is life. Idk, the times when I think my weirdest thoughts are when i've had either too much coffee or too little. I have fun experimenting with those levels.
I think a lot of random ass thoughts. Here are some. Upon reading that question about thinking without using words, it made me think about how people can communicate without using words. I think I am very interested in that, and prefer it to speaking. I've never been an overly verbal person. Gimme dat non-verbal communication. When it comes down to it, the ways you can show someone you care about them are mostly just variations of touching, eye contact and facial movements all bound together by "certain feelings". Holding a hand in a hand and placing it over a beating heart can say more than the raggedy-ass phrase "I love you" ever could. Sure it is nice to hear "I love you" and "You are beautiful" and so on, but maybe they don't hold as much value as the things that are implied in our actions.
I've also been thinking about solitude a lot lately. Thinking about how you can experience so many things when you are alone that you can't when you are with other people. You just notice more things. I think that's nice. This year I've been finding out what it really means to be a single person, and being okay with that. I had a string of relationships after high school and was never single for more than one month for about four years. It is refreshing to be alone. I feel like cranking "Independent Women" by Destinys Child on a daily basis. I think it is important to be able to be alone.
I don't think about sports very often. It's not that I'm vehemently opposed to sports, it's just not really my thing. I played netball from the ages of 8-16. I also played tennis because my dad made me. I did athletics for maybe like 4 months. I do have good memories of beach cricket and the odd petanque sesh at the family bach. I'm not an overly competitive person, so if I play sports I don't really care about winning which I feel like is a big part of sports maybe.
Other things I don't often think about include: astrology, the band "steely dan", the french revolution, the operating system "windows '97", anything that would be in the business section of the newspaper, hot celeb gossip, the tv show "mad about you", things that are lime flavoured, trip hop, judaism, clowns, the fashion industry, the novels of tom clancy, stamp collecting and teletubbies.
Jackson Nieuwland: What are your favourite types of social situations? Do you spend much time with your family? Is your family close? Are you particularly close to a certain family member? What do you talk about with your family? Do you feel comfortable telling your parents about your life? Which do you hang out with more: boys or girls? Does any of this say anything about you? Does anything, apart from saying something about you, say anything about you?
Stacey Teague: My favourite type of social situation would be hanging out with 2-4 people that I like, in a warm, comfortable place with good wine, food and conversation. Generally just chilling with people I like in any capacity seems ideal to me. I spend a good amount of time with my family. I don't live with my parents but I see them probably about twice a week. I think I would prefer not to have to rely on my parents for anything and only see them about once a fortnight. I don't mean to sound mean, but I appreciate my parents more when I don't see them for a while. It's probably best for our relationship if that happens. I visit my sister at her house at least once a week. I go to see my granddad usually about one Sunday a month and see other family at special occasions/lunch or dinner things. My immediate family is just me, mum, dad and my sister who is 6 years older than me. I have always been close with my sister. She always took care of me and taught me cool older sister things. Though it seems like I can't really relate to her or my parents on any kind of emotional level, and we don't share the same interests or views about the world. Thusly, we don't talk about anything of much significance when we get together. I feel unable to share parts of my life with them, and I mean they usually know what is going on in my life in that superficial way, but I don't really talk to them about my creative pursuits or anything overly personal. It seems like I've never really had that kind of relationship with my family. It makes me sad sometimes, but as I get older I accept it more and more. I have more female friends than male friends probably, but I don't feel this reflects upon me as a person. Idk, does it? Am I allowed to ask you questions? Hehe.
After reading that last question, I pasted it to Susie on skype and was like "how the eff do I answer this?" and she said "um well it's something about identity, some sort of action or 'thing' that describes you or is quintessentially you". I asked her what she would consider to be something that is "quintessentially me" because it is hard to know what is me because I am too caught up in my "me-ness" to articulate that maybe. Susie said "there is your predisposition for romance, by this I mean a love of love". Seems interesting to find out what other people think of you in this regard. I mean, idk, I'm sure there are lots of things that I do, in my physical actions or in how I choose to spend my time or interact with other people that say things about who I am as a person, but it's hard to be objective about those things. I feel like these are things that we cannot be too aware of, it's like trying to look at yourself from the outside, but the only way we can see ourselves is through something or someone else, mirror images. I guess my own sense of identity is implicit and shouldn't have to be put into words. I know who I am because I feel it distinctly when I am walking down the street, not because I can list all of my traits, idiosyncrasies and habits in bullet point form.
Jackson Nieuwland: You are encouraged to ask me questions. I think that you having more female friends probably says something about you but I don't know what it is. I asked that question because I have noticed that over the past year I have spent more time with females than males and I think it says something about me but I'm not sure what it is. Do you have anything to say about that? Are you truly certain of anything? Do you believe that you have to be able to express/explain something to be certain of it? Do you ever struggle to express your emotions? Do you separate your thoughts from your emotions? Do you trust your emotions? Do you trust your answers to these questions? Do you trust anyone completely?
Stacey Teague: I thought about it, and I think the fact that we both have more female friends means nothing at all (nothing at all nothing at all). I have girl-friends and I have boy-friends, aint no thang. One of my best friends is a boy and he is also my ex-boyfriend. I've been told we have an interesting relationship but the reason why we are such good friends is that we still love each other but not in any romantic way. We are able to completely be ourselves with each other without all of the bullshit and inhibitions. I don't have any other friendship quite like that.
Certainty is something that is difficult to 'truly' feel as a human being, especially when dealing with other human beings, as there is always some element of ambiguity. We are so changeable in our thoughts and feelings that even if we think we feel something in particular (i.e. love), there are times when we are not really sure. We can be so invested in one thing and the next minute be invested in something completely opposite. I can think of a few things that are certain. We can say [an object] is [an object] because we see it and because that is pre-agreed upon name for said object. If we throw a rock up into the air we know it will fall back down c/o gravity. Personally, the only thing I can say without any doubt whatsoever is that I am certain that one day I will die.
It got me thinking about materialism, because it sort of is a philosophical question. A lot of things a person can be sure about, such as the fact that we live on the planet earth, we're in a house, we're sitting on a chair..these things are certain, but only in a materialistic sense. Not that I subscribe to idealism or anything, but as I was thinking about this being like "oh yeah I'm certain that I am typing words into a computer right now" but then something in my head said "BUT AM I REALLY.." (cue spooky twilight zone sounds). I am as materialistic as one can get (um, not in the consumeristic sense guyz), but I couldn't help thinking that in the back of my mind. Suddenly I felt suspicious of everything in the physical world, like "are things a thing?". Guess that means I can't even really be certain that I am a materialist, then.
I think that I have more trouble verbalising my emotions to other people "irl" than when I am writing. When I am trying to express why I feel a certain way that is bad, I feel extremely scared and aware of myself in conjunction with the other person. I have a lot of trouble with this. I can't even find the right words to express it and even if I did I couldn't imagine my voice saying them. In writing it's different because you are alone and you have time and you don't have anyone's reactions to worry about. I find it very difficult to express feelings of sadness/depression but think I can express feelings of love/happiness better. Maybe.
A lot of the time it feels like my thoughts and emotions are not in sync. This is because whenever I feel anxious or depressed for no reason, I say to myself that I don't have anything to be anxious/depressed about but that doesn't seem to help anything. It's like my emotions take on a life of their own and suddenly do not respond to reason. My emotions are petulant lil children. Probably thoughts and emotions are linked most of the time, but they may not always be conscious thoughts. I mean thoughts/emotions just come from different parts of the brain anyway #amirite.
I don't even know whether the fact that I trust my emotions or not is really relevant. I mean, I trust the fact that I am experiencing an emotion because I am aware of behavioural/physical cues whilst acknowledging that said emotion could change into something else very easily and probably will. Whether I trust an emotion as being valid in a way that I think you mean, i.e. feeling love for a person, I think that it's not a question of whether you can trust it, it's whether or not you can identify and rationalize those feelings of love. If I did that, I think I could trust it maybe. I trust that the answers to these questions are earnest, even if they may not make sense or are badly written or explained. They are me, nonetheless. I am all of these horrible and wonderful things.
No (typed a lot of stuff for this last question but eventually just came back to this).
Jackson Nieuwland: Cats? Birds? Dinosaurs?
Stacey Teague: Cats are cool and probably my favourite out of all these three. The reasons of which there are a myriad (if 10 counts as "a myriad"):
1) They are furry and this means they are good for cuddling which in
turn makes for feelings of warmth and comfort in an otherwise cold and
unforgiving world (lol).
2) They are real chill. Mostly lie in the sun. Seems ideal.
3) There are not needy like dogs, which I feel gives them a quiet dignity.
4) You hardly ever see them doing their business (see above).
5) They make good sounds. Meows, squeaks and purrs.
6) Their lil noses.
7) Their hairy tongues.
8) The squishy pads they have on their paws.
9) Seems like they don't take shit from nobody.
10) How they arch their backs when they stretch.
I have a cat called Winnie who lives at my parent's house. Technically she is my sister's but she moved out of home and has now got her own cats so I claimed Winnie as my own. With my sister gone, we warmed to each other, and she would curl up beneath my covers and head butt my face in the middle of the night. I feel akin to her, and it feels like we share the same "things". I may be anthropomorphizing here, but [lost train of thought].
There is also Pickles the cat, who belongs to our neighbour but likes to hang out at our house. Last night he was sleeping on my bed and it felt real nice, made me feel less lonely. He can sometimes get a bit too aggressive in his affection though, and attacks without warning. Another cat I like is my bosses cat, Chloe. She sleeps inside in amongst the other birds like it's nbd. She is real grouchy because she is 19, and she drools heaps but I still like her a lot. I also work in a cattery, which is a real good job and I basically just do it for fun. I like chilling with the cats. They are the most ideal animal to me, and seem to fit my personality.
Birds are pretty good. Feel like I didn't really notice birds or care for them particularly until I started working at Bird Rescue. Now I really appreciate them, and think they are really beautiful creatures. My favourite bird is probably a duck because I think they are whimsical/goofy. One bird I would really like to see is a kea because they are one of the most intelligent birds in the world. On their wikipedia pages it says "they are often described as cheeky", and sometimes they kill sheep, like there have been reports of them hopping on top of a sheep and just pecking at them until they die. Seems brutal. There is this lorikeet at work who follows me around everywhere, he hops around on the floor after me and its real cute. I like to walk down to the beach near my house and watch all the birds, it makes me feel real peaceful. Being able to fly is pretty much the best thing, like pretty unbeatable. Can't wait to go to the South Island and check out all the sweet ass birds there.
I like dinosaurs because they seem mysterious and kind of frightening, even the lil ones. The entire prehistoric era fascinates me, and it seems exciting how much the earth has changed and how much more it will change. Kind of a borderline science nerd. It makes me think about my own impermanence, because the dinosaurs lived for so long, millions of years and hundreds of different species and now they are all gone and we will be too one day. It's a really special type of feeling that it gives me, not a bad feeling, one that makes me feel lucky to even exist. Transience is a beautiful thing, really.