smthin abt death

a major death thing in my life is the fact that douglas anderson (father) died when i was like 5 yrs old. unsure whether this is something i am allowed to dwell on or whether i am meant to be 'over it'
idk
pretty sure it has 'shaped me', seems like an impactful happening
when i was 15 maybe i was snooping in a filing cabinet in our computer room and i found his death certificate and i think it said that he didn't die instantly, that he was in a lot of pain and died in the hospital. he died in a farming accident that involved a tractor, i created this weird scenario in my mind about what it was like... our farm is ~45 mins away from any sort of hospital..

in 2008 i went into the 'local library' in the town we moved to and spent half an hour or so looking through newspapers from 1994 trying to find one with a death notice or an obituary. i found something and photocopied it. because i am the kind of person who keeps a lot of different pieces of paper i sometimes come across it, folded amongst my other papers, just look at it folded in its particular way and i know it is the one.

mum has this big box of photos from family/friends & it is full of pictures of him and sometimes when i knew she was going to be out all day i would take it out, sit down and look through all the pictures one by one, just crying, looking, thinking.. who are these people

lately my aunt has taken to repeating this story about his funeral, that when they were lowering the coffin i stepped forward to look at what was happening 'like a little doll' (my aunt says), and my uncle stopped me from stepping into it. this uncle i met for the first time a month ago and he looks pretty similar to my dad and i felt like i might cry just looking at him. instead i borrowed a very strong cigarette off my cousin... lol