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i think about all the things

that I want to feel on my skin

salt water

hair

sheets

skin

and then more skin

i want to feel fire

let it drape over me

as if it were another body

a canopy of flesh

covering me in hands and sweat

the fire illuminates faces

glowing eyes and mouths

warming hands that are held together

feeling the warmth through thick jumpers

right down to our bones

like a liquid we feel it in our marrow

there are waves of it

waves and waves of it

i think things like

"feel warm as shit"

we throw wood into the fire

we throw ourselves into the fire

i'm going to die and when i do i want my body to be donated to science and the leftovers cremated and then those ashes scattered in a fire and so on can someone make sure this happens please.

A selection of txts I sent to Jackson Nieuwland last night whilst drunk that concern 'fire'

Omg yes! Thought highly of you for liking Gilmore Girls. Having good convos with people. There's a fire!

Sitting by the fire. Deep ass convo with huna. Things are ok. I feel ok.

The fire is burning my eyeballs but I don't wanna move because it's cold. You should do a new topic for antipobros.

My front is too hot and my back is too cold. Need to rotate rotiserie styles. How do you even spell that. Someone said they liked my beret, seemed nice.

Theme

FIRE

My Dream

I want to be a stay at home dad.
I want to live with a female who I love and have sex with.
I want to have two children.
I want to write books that people smile while reading.
I want to publish books.
I want to coach high school basketball.
I want to have close friends who I see regularly.
I want to spend time with my family and help them with things.
I want to have a personal library.
I want to exercise regularly.
I want to not suffer from any mental disorders

This morning

Dozing in and out of sleep,
I dreamt I was holding you close.
It was like you were really here.

waking up exactly where you fall (asleep)

i’ve been sleeping on the other

side of the bed

a lot lately

i’ve been thinking about you

over there

and how perfectly you fit

yes,

there

and everywhere else

it doesn’t take me long to fall asleep anymore either

you

and

me

eyes shut

in dreams

we are more alive than ever

until we wake up

i suppose

i realise that isn’t even half of it

being alive in dreams

together

is

well,

fantastic

but nothing

(i don’t think)

is more

extraordinary

than

genuinely

you

DREAM DIARY

15/08/11

7:57 PM me: i had this one dream where i cut open my stomach and watched worms devour my innards. i watched as the worms got bigger and bigger. woke up and thought "#dark"

7:58 PM me: you were in a dream maybe, but not that one

8:06 PM me: i wish i remembered the dream with you and not the worm one

8:11 PM me: in my dream with you i just remembered feeling happy

16/08/11

I think Macauley Culkin was in my dream.

17/08/11

Specfiically remember a brown cardigan, the exact shade of brown and the texture of it on my skin.

18/08/11

I had lots of dreams but none of them made me feel anything in particular. I saw people that were my friends but their faces had changed. I made up new friends in my head.

19/08/11

I woke up with a strange feeling, like every dream was a holocaust. Burnt bodies. I had seen my future, big truths, a revelation and forgotten all of it. What was left was a shell, and I put my body into it but it did not fit me. I tried to settle into its folds but it resisted, becoming clunky and metal and cold. It was one of those times where I could not remember anything I dreamt, and I was left with just a feeling. A ghost of something. I carried this feeling around with me all morning.

20/08/11

A gymnasium, a fair, a NYC apartment, my parent's house, a street, a field, a bus, a classroom. So many faces. Yours, saying words to me, just before I wake up and my heart stops.

21/08/11

I had a dream that I was back at high school, a dream that I have very often. Only it was more like some kind of poetry school, and we were knitting poetry or something. Seemed really cool. I remember walking through work, touching the bars of cages and the sound it made reverberated in my head. That sound woke me up.

tweets abt dream/dreams

new topic: dreams

ye

smthin abt death

a major death thing in my life is the fact that douglas anderson (father) died when i was like 5 yrs old. unsure whether this is something i am allowed to dwell on or whether i am meant to be 'over it'
idk
pretty sure it has 'shaped me', seems like an impactful happening
when i was 15 maybe i was snooping in a filing cabinet in our computer room and i found his death certificate and i think it said that he didn't die instantly, that he was in a lot of pain and died in the hospital. he died in a farming accident that involved a tractor, i created this weird scenario in my mind about what it was like... our farm is ~45 mins away from any sort of hospital..

in 2008 i went into the 'local library' in the town we moved to and spent half an hour or so looking through newspapers from 1994 trying to find one with a death notice or an obituary. i found something and photocopied it. because i am the kind of person who keeps a lot of different pieces of paper i sometimes come across it, folded amongst my other papers, just look at it folded in its particular way and i know it is the one.

mum has this big box of photos from family/friends & it is full of pictures of him and sometimes when i knew she was going to be out all day i would take it out, sit down and look through all the pictures one by one, just crying, looking, thinking.. who are these people

lately my aunt has taken to repeating this story about his funeral, that when they were lowering the coffin i stepped forward to look at what was happening 'like a little doll' (my aunt says), and my uncle stopped me from stepping into it. this uncle i met for the first time a month ago and he looks pretty similar to my dad and i felt like i might cry just looking at him. instead i borrowed a very strong cigarette off my cousin... lol

2011 Death

Death by jackson-nieuwland

2010 Death

Heaven is no good if you’re scared of heights

I don’t want to fall into the night.
Clouds can’t hold the weight of my soul.
Heaven is no good if you’re scared of heights.

I came up here because it looked bright.
Looking down, the sky is blacker than coal.
I don’t want to fall into the night.

I was lured like a moth to the light.
Now the clouds thunder and roll.
Heaven is no good if you’re scared of heights.

The view from here is a terrible sight.
What if I step into a hole?
I don’t want to fall into the night.

My whole body is shaking in fright,
Standing on this unsteady knoll.
Heaven is no good if you’re scared of heights.

Living up here doesn’t seem right.
What did I do to deserve this toll?
I don’t want to fall into the night.
Heaven is no good if you’re scared of heights.

Jackson

Stacey

post-funeral macro

death song

made a death playlist
going to a funeral
they are going to talk about god a lot

ideas for poems (a poem) (74)

something about hair cascading over my face so that it feels like i am a lil creature hiding in your hair
something about being very quiet
something about looking at your face and feeling things
something about smile lines
something about oceans and oceans and oceans
something about waking up in the middle of the night, kissing your lips and then falling back asleep with my lips still on your lips a little bit
something about (censored) (censored)
something about listening to Neutral Milk Hotel on my headphones
something about mouthing words to a song
something about feeling okay
something about your death or
something about your life or
something about how these things are the same thing maybe
something about feeling detached
something about trying to push my body through glass
something about wanting to break everything or just one specific thing
something about the various textures of my hand
something about slender fingers and limbs
something about leaving everything i know
something about drinking a lot of coffee
something about friendship
something about being really, really warm
something about something

the evolution of an identity

Susie